Hello ladies,
You see that picture above? You see that desperation painted on his countenance? That is the appearance of a broken man. A shadow of his former glory. A sad, sorry, shell of the giant that he used to be. A man who has withered away as the years have gone by; stripped of things like hope, pride, and dignity. Honestly gents, I can relate. Perhaps many of you, to one extent or another, can as well.
It was all good just 4 weeks ago...We each had freshly drafted teams, filled w/carefully selected players that we hoped KNEW would guide our respective teams to fantasy league dominance.
"Ray Rice is coming off of a Super Bowl victory--dude is gonna be a BEAST this year!"
"CJ Spiller is totally set to blow up big this year!"
"Tony Romo..............................*shrugs* Eh, seems legit."
Each year, GMs spend time and effort, piecing together the perfect formula for victory. And yet, each year some of us just can't seem to quite get it together. Sooner or later, a once promising GM--even one with previous playoff successes--falls into the unexpected slump. From the opening day kickoff excitement, to those Monday night/Tuesday morning blues that seem to follow week after week, the struggle is real gentlemen. This year, there's exactly five teams with an abysmal 1-3 record:
The Bane: Might as well get it out of the way; GM Steve Hutch went winless for over a year, only posting his first victory since '11 this past week (it is with great delicacy that I point out that The Bane finished as the last place team both of the previous seasons). The fact that this man hasn't taken up drinking whisky at 9am on Sundays during football season could only be attributed to A) his zen-like demeanor--perhaps brought on from those freakish shoulder rolling exercises he does, B) a Job-like level of patience--if patience is a virtue, this guy is a saint, or C) he's actually a serial killer Tues-Sat nights to vent his football-inflicted rage. Here's hoping the new Justin Timberlake album soothes his murderous impulses. If not, tell my wife I love her and to not let Dan take over my fantasy roster.
The Sith: Though genuinely studying to be a rocket scientist, it would appear that his high intellect hasn't translated into fantasy successes. Consulting the cheat sheets, podcasts, Twitter, and everything just short of consulting with chicken bones and oracles, GM Darth Valentine has had a less-than-stellar fantasy career this year. It would appear that Valentine has pulled out all of the stops, and consulted extensive sources, but no medicine man or maven has kept this team from needing savin' (awful joke). Yet, young Valentine stays plucky and optimistic about his team when hope appears lost. Perhaps it's discipline stored up from being vegan--all that ice cream and pizza in the world, and this guy declines it?? Madness.
Limited Edition: Let's face it, Nathan usually checks in and out about every other year. The guy LIVE drafted Tony Romo, EARLY, and didn't blink. He traded away Adrian Peterson to the Miley Cyrus of fantasy football. I thought this year would be his "on" year, but upon review, he did make 4th place overall last year, and so far, this team is coasting on auto-pilot. I have some theories however: A) Perhaps GM Graves knows the HGH supplier for Ray Lewis has moved to Dallas and is expecting Romo's throwing ability to, err..."miraculously" improve. B) He is secretly working on a deal w/the Illuminati to force LeBron James to play QB for the Cowboys while being conspicuously billed as "Tony Romo" by threatening to introduce his mother to more scrub rappers. Or C) It's really his sister Alyssa that's been setting his roster during his good years, and w/her marriage this summer, she no longer has time to rescue him from bad decisions.
JB: This one is an interesting one. GM Brassington posted an impressive showing last year, and made a serious playoff run. He has showed great understanding and insight into fantasy football. Then he traded away his season for a Rihanna CD, a Power Rangers backpack, and Mike Tirico's hairline. Only explanation I have? Fr--*Ahem*--"Darius" and Dan collaborated to drug this guy regularly in a bid to become the two teams in the Super Bowl. That or aliens. But I'm 97.6% sure it's almost not aliens. Either way, his insight hasn't saved him from a rough start this year.
The Gotham Knights: Well, what do you expect? Underperformance, injuries, and lack of trades would appear to be the bane (no, not that one) of my existence. Every other year I seem to go through this cycle, and this seems to be the "other" year. But maybe there are other issues: A) An Injustice League comprised of GMs Reece, Dan, and Darius pooling their Taco Bell money to hire a mid-level mob enforcer take me out of Championship contention by scaring my players--I have Albert Morris, Matt Ryan, Kap, and ARIAN FOSTER for Pete's sake, how do all of these guys equate to struggle?? B) Albert (formerly GM of "The Team", "Chuck Norris Fan Club", and other such terrible teams) has hacked the NFL fantasy page to ruin my scores in a last ditch effort to get me back for those humiliating losses and jokes in years' past. Or, C) This whole season has actually been Dan's elaborate wet dream, none of this has really happened, and soon Shy is gonna wake him up to reveal that he tried to draft Aaron Hernandez in the 2nd round because he heard a rumor that the 49ers were looking to sign him. Best case scenario. Or maybe I'm just sucking this year as a GM so far. I dunno.
Yes, our teams are ailing, struggling. But rather than wallow in self-pity, let us pick ourselves up from the ashes of 1-3, and make something out of this season. I mean, really. 3 losses is hardly enough to ruin our playoff chances--Nathan won the Super Bowl two years ago with 4--just as a 4 game win streak is meaningless (lest we forget, Dan has done this before--he didn't even make it out of the 1st round of the playoffs that year). Sure, things look bad, but maybe that swift improvement is just around the corner.
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| It's just a flesh wound. |
Keep hope alive ladies. This season is just getting started. #TakeCare
~Bishop
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