Faux Nirvana

I must say that I am not at all feeling what I felt last year when I got my first win of the season. Maybe it's because my playoff hopes are chaff and the dessert was larger than I realized it would be, but I believe there is another reason. This season, though I am still actively participating in the league, I have found a certain calmness about the outcome of my games. Perhaps I have been comfortably desensitized to losing or have gotten my priorities a little more straight than in previous years, but I believe I came to a realization this past week. I had convinced myself that I no longer desired to win. As you all begin your Buddhist mantra, let me explain. This was not a conscious decision or willed immunity. I simply found myself indifferent to the outcome. That is, until I won. I suddenly realized that my emptiness had not been sincere. Fear of the disappointment that hoping had brought me in the past paralyzed any desire I still had to win. I was, in effect, running into the void to escape an uncertain future. I was afraid of losing, so I stopped wanting to win. This goes back to the formulaic adage: Satisfaction is found in the balance of expectation and situation. If you want to be happy, you must either lower your expectations, or improve your situation. My fear chose the half of this equation I could control and numbed me to the fact that I had chosen it.

This is a sad fantasy football story, but the sadder fact is that this mentality is not isolated to the realm of make believe sports. Millions of people are finding themselves paralyzed each day, running into the void to escape the uncertain. We don't know the future, and that terrifies us. The fear of disappointment is a powerful chemical designed to subtly change our outlook on life. People who are afraid seem nonchalant on the surface, apparently indifferent to their spiritual wellbeing. I am so thankful that our God is much bigger than Montee Ball, and MUCH MORE RELIABLE. We serve a perfect God with perfect love that casts out fear. There is no need to fear the future when you serve the One who is beyond time. He was just as He is just as He will be. With the knowledge that God will never disappoint, and that even through the trivial failures and disappointments of this world He is still the same, we can openly embrace our desire for a connection to Him. That desire planted deeply in each of us by His spirit that is calling us back to Him; calling us back home.

Hopefully I can muster the courage to openly embrace my desire to win again, no matter how many disappointing weeks come my way. There will be no video. I have been in a creative rut lately and found no inspiration when I went to create it.